My Dear Husband,

   Today my mind won't let me rest; my thoughts are relentless.  Thankfully, not tortured but vying for my attention.  But even in my inability and struggle to prioritize, my heart has led me to write these words that I so badly need to express to you.

   As thoughts of the many areas of my life which require (and now demand) order swirl through my mind, I'm overwhelmed with assigning priority.  It all needs to be done and I often find myself working on one area of disorder while struggling to ignore the cries for attention from all the others.  I constantly have to remind myself that reality dictates that both physical and mental focus are capable of, and best applied, to only one task at a time.  Thoughts of guilt only serve to prolong the agony of disorganization.

   My desperation to bring order and "normalcy" to our life as a family often finds me compulsive and obsessive in my day to day choices.  Hyper-focus, at the expense of all other functionality, feels like the only method to the end which I seek.

   More than once, as all these thoughts compete, my heart has gotten involved to remind me of the one area of my life which has suffered the most.  Today it has demanded expression and won't allow me to rest until these heartfelt thoughts are put to paper.  Thus, this letter to you.

   I am so sorry for not being the wife, friend and lover that, in my most lucid moments, I know I want and am capable of being. It seems so unfair that your hard work and unconditional love for me and our children has gone unanswered and unrewarded in more ways deserving of the good man you have been and continue to be.

   You are a man with whom God is well-pleased, I have no doubt.  Your tenacity and refusal to be defeated, despite the difficult challenges, are admirable examples to which many people aspire.  How blessed your children, grandchildren and I are to have you lead and to walk with through this life.  Although imperfect, as all human beings are doomed to be, I still consider you the "cream of the crop".

  At this time and place in our life (and, regrettably, for some time now) I'm unable to be the mate and partner that I want, and presently can only imagine, to be.  It won't, and actually can't, happen as quickly as my heart desires.  I'm hopeful that what I have shared with you today will give you encouragement and determination for continued commitment to our marriage vows and our future together as a family.  
   Thank you for your godly patience, Sweetheart.  I know, without a doubt, that we can fulfill all the potential and beauty that God intends and desires for our life as a couple.  "A house divided against itself cannot stand," but as a team of three, with God, Life is Beautiful and will be more of what we hope and envision it capable of being.

   I love you ~