Today my mind won't let me rest; my thoughts are relentless. Thankfully, not tortured but vying for my attention. But even in my inability and struggle to prioritize, my heart has led me to write these words that I so badly need to express to you.
As thoughts of the many areas of my life which require (and now demand) order swirl through my mind, I'm overwhelmed with assigning priority. It all needs to be done and I often find myself working on one area of disorder while struggling to ignore the cries for attention from all the others. I constantly have to remind myself that reality dictates that both physical and mental focus are capable of, and best applied, to only one task at a time. Thoughts of guilt only serve to prolong the agony of disorganization.
My desperation to bring order and "normalcy" to our life as a family often finds me compulsive and obsessive in my day to day choices. Hyper-focus, at the expense of all other functionality, feels like the only method to the end which I seek.
More than once, as all these thoughts compete, my heart has gotten involved to remind me of the one area of my life which has suffered the most. Today it has demanded expression and won't allow me to rest until these heartfelt thoughts are put to paper. Thus, this letter to you.
I am so sorry for not being the wife, friend and lover that, in my most lucid moments, I know I want and am capable of being. It seems so unfair that your hard work and unconditional love for me and our children has gone unanswered and unrewarded in more ways deserving of the good man you have been and continue to be.
You are a man with whom God is well-pleased, I have no doubt. Your tenacity and refusal to be defeated, despite the difficult challenges, are admirable examples to which many people aspire. How blessed your children, grandchildren and I are to have you lead and to walk with through this life. Although imperfect, as all human beings are doomed to be, I still consider you the "cream of the crop".
At this time and place in our life (and, regrettably, for some time now) I'm unable to be the mate and partner that I want, and presently can only imagine, to be. It won't, and actually can't, happen as quickly as my heart desires. I'm hopeful that what I have shared with you today will give you encouragement and determination for continued commitment to our marriage vows and our future together as a family.
Thank you for your godly patience, Sweetheart. I know, without a doubt, that we can fulfill all the potential and beauty that God intends and desires for our life as a couple. "A house divided against itself cannot stand," but as a team of three, with God, Life is Beautiful and will be more of what we hope and envision it capable of being.
I love you ~
Friday, February 10, 2012
quoteflections: #178 The Seeds of Today
What a fitting addition to my personal blog! A great reminder ~
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Swirl ~ ~ ~
Such a pretty word and, upon further reflection, one filled with sensation. Used either as a noun or a verb, my association of it's beauty remains the same. As with many things, the word has potential, both positive and negative.
My minds eye brings me to a place in time as a young girl, standing in my backyard, arms outstretched to my sides as if wings. Face to the heavens, eyes closed as I whirl and swirl feeling the sensation of freedom with a lightness in my heart and mind. My stomach feels the excitement but is a bit tentative about the end result of this frolic.
How interesting that what was once an exciting and welcome sensation can become, in adulthood, overwhelming and confusing. By nature, youth offers freedoms which only come with youth . Ignorant of the experiences and responsibilities that await us as we add years to our life, we play, unaware. With each candle added to our birthday cake (if we are so blessed) there are also new possibilities, opportunities, understandings and challenges, both positive and negative.
The young cannot help but be curious about and dream of the future. As an adult, I soon began to understand and appreciate why God doesn't allow us to foresee what lies ahead. Many of us would choose not to go there. But in His wisdom He reminds us that,
"No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it." I Corinthians 10:13 ~ The New American Standard Bible (NASB) ~ St. Joseph's Edition
Still filled with positive associations, the word is now capable of connoting a particular negativity in my mind, literally. Swirl, when used in the context of describing my ADHD brain, brings with it a sensation of discomfort and confusion. Too many ideas in the vortex of my mind: not a very pretty picture let alone, sensation. The dizziness which I once considered so much "fun" no longer holds the same attraction, in more ways than one. And yet, as with most situations in life, I do have the freedom of choice to discontinue the swirl. Not quite as simple as falling to the ground to wait for the world to stop spinning, yet worth the hard work that calming the overload which an over-abundance of ideas and choices often present. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
But swirl is still a pretty word. ~
My minds eye brings me to a place in time as a young girl, standing in my backyard, arms outstretched to my sides as if wings. Face to the heavens, eyes closed as I whirl and swirl feeling the sensation of freedom with a lightness in my heart and mind. My stomach feels the excitement but is a bit tentative about the end result of this frolic.
How interesting that what was once an exciting and welcome sensation can become, in adulthood, overwhelming and confusing. By nature, youth offers freedoms which only come with youth . Ignorant of the experiences and responsibilities that await us as we add years to our life, we play, unaware. With each candle added to our birthday cake (if we are so blessed) there are also new possibilities, opportunities, understandings and challenges, both positive and negative.
The young cannot help but be curious about and dream of the future. As an adult, I soon began to understand and appreciate why God doesn't allow us to foresee what lies ahead. Many of us would choose not to go there. But in His wisdom He reminds us that,
"No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it." I Corinthians 10:13 ~ The New American Standard Bible (NASB) ~ St. Joseph's Edition
Still filled with positive associations, the word is now capable of connoting a particular negativity in my mind, literally. Swirl, when used in the context of describing my ADHD brain, brings with it a sensation of discomfort and confusion. Too many ideas in the vortex of my mind: not a very pretty picture let alone, sensation. The dizziness which I once considered so much "fun" no longer holds the same attraction, in more ways than one. And yet, as with most situations in life, I do have the freedom of choice to discontinue the swirl. Not quite as simple as falling to the ground to wait for the world to stop spinning, yet worth the hard work that calming the overload which an over-abundance of ideas and choices often present. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
But swirl is still a pretty word. ~
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